At War With Artist Envy

I used to be able to keep this monster tucked somewhere far away where I felt like it wasn't bothering me, but lately I've been finding it a little bit difficult to ignore the screams and howls and banging that has been coming from a door that I've kept shut for a very long time.

I'm not entirely sure whether artist envy is supposed to be something that you're supposed to manage because it's something that is naturally going to be present in my life, or whether it's something that's actually not supposed to be there in the first place, and maybe it's just a symptom of something that's actually quite severe, and something that should be eradicated completely.

Irrespective of that I tend to find myself having to deal with this toxic way of thinking, reasoning and seeing things especially when it comes to the art that I create and art that other artists create.

What can I say I'm at war with my own demons, and whilst I can appreciate that from the outside looking in this is something that's actually quite simple to deal with it's always easier said than done.

I'm at this point in my life where detaching myself emotionally from whether my art is good, or perfect, or superb, or excellent in comparison to the people that are actually creating excellent work is something that I find it is actually quite impossible.

None of this stuff would've mattered if I was just a child just creating art for the sake of creating art in my freaking bedroom, but because in my adulthood there is this kind of like expectation, responsibility, pressure almost to be able to perform to a particular standard, it becomes really difficult not to look to my left or right and seeing people doing better than me. I'm thinking to myself that I’m either not doing enough or these people don't deserve to get the accolades that they're actually getting.

I think I'm at a point where I give too much credit to the people that are creating excellent art, and not giving myself enough credit for the art that I'm able to make despite the circumstances that I'm in. I'm battling with a true case of artist envy, and I'm at this point where I don't know whether this is ever going to go away.