Earlier this week I wrote about the return of my previously extinguished anger problems. I can’t lie to myself I kinda want to expand on that a little bit, and apply my reflection to something that really used to grind my gears the wrong way growing up.
I’ll express it by writing about the things that Im going through now to paint an idea. Now I refuse to claim that I have a firm grip on the subject of sociology and history, but for some reason I cannot escape the feeling that somewhere and somehow through our collective life journeys, we’ve built a set of expectations for ourselves.
What I mean by this is…as a community, race or species, we have created an idea of what it means to be a half decent human being, and when we fall short of this idea, the negative thoughts, opinions and judgements come raining through.
This is a very simple explanation of my understanding, but to make things a little more refined the idea of a decent human being differs pretty significant from race to race, class to class, gender to gender and so forth. This is why we can often find that what people seem to expect of us, people often don’t expect the same from others.
For this reason I have found that many of us - at least for a significant chunk of our lives - are caught up in the process of trying to live up the our societies idea of a decent human being, and when we fall short of this we experience negative thoughts and emotions.
My fury in the confinements of this understanding is that…it becomes intrinsically difficult to meet these expectations when we haven’t allowed ourselves to fill our own cups: in other words, it becomes difficult to meet people’s expectations when we feel empty on the inside.
My anger in this sense has always been that I’ve never had an issue with marrying my efforts to match the expectations of my God, Queen and society, but because I have been left with very little to give when it comes to my purpose and identity…I couldn’t give a flying f**k about what people expect of me, and good God almighty do I often want to show how little are the f***s I have left to give.
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