I want to expand a little more on the inner thinking that renders this version of me that feels compelled to compete with all my might even in the moments when I don’t have to.
For a start I guess I would say there has always been this part of me that never felt confident about other people’s perception of me because I was rarely recognised as somebody who was capable of producing exceptional work.
In such circumstances I developed the view that I would need to work exceptionally hard even to meet the bare minimum quality or standard worthy of attention in this growing landscape of self centred creativity.
I never truly believed that I could produce something close to professional, and so with that said my insecurity lead me to toil harshly on myself until I reached a point in which I could stand a chance against those who seem to fit in with the big leagues.
With that being said I have always held this fear that the tiniest imperfection in my work would cheapen me enough to get outshined by a piece that has been worked on with more time, more money and more experience.
My class and my race although not as significantly as one might think, also played a subtle role in the view that eventually found its way into my adulthood. Poverty and ethnic inferiority, or the way in which poverty and ethnicity is perceived at the very least, slowly but surely made me feel that my work would never be worthy of recognition if it’s not fit to stand amongst the best of the very best.
It’s the reason why I have tried to always look clean and professional, at least in the work that I put out anyway. There’s nothing worse in my eyes than not being taken seriously especially when deep down in my heart I damn well mean business.
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