Friday the 18th of October 2024 and the title of today's reflection is going to be Kept Myself Going. So I find it really hard to just you know kind of like praise myself on a neutral basis because of like how I guess how afraid I've been and how afraid I am of my own ego and
effectively kind of like the consequences of kind of like an unchecked ego, if kind of like kept unchecked for too long.
So I find it like really hard to effectively praise myself and to love myself almost, to be kind of like sincere. But kind of like when I reflect over like, you know, the times, you know, kind of like when I kind of like compare myself to how I am now, in comparison to how I was back then,
I would say kind of like in the previous chapter of my life, I can do, I do sense kind of like an element of growth if that makes sense. An element of growth that kind of like doesn't necessarily make me proud it just kind of like makes me peaceful and it makes me happy knowing that I kind of like found that balance within myself. If truth be told kind of like I never stopped running you know I'm saying like I never actually like
stopped running. What do I mean when I say that? Like, you know, I felt like, you know, but you know, the person that I was in a far earlier part of my previous chapter of my life, like, I would come up with kind of like any reason to just effectively give up and any reason to quit and it was scary. Like, you know, it's scary to think about it now because if I was that person now, I don't think I'd be able to survive. Like, the person that I was back then would give up like I'd literally at any opportunity but now
when I have every opportunity to give up I still choose to keep on going and I've kept myself going and that's what I mean when I say like I never stopped running like you know I had to spend a significant chunk of my life like you know effectively living up to be somebody I didn't want to be somebody I didn't know I could be even if I wanted to be kind of like you know my childhood again wasn't again it wasn't it wasn't terrible it wasn't kind of like you know there are there are worse
childhoods out there to be lived if that makes sense but it definitely wasn't easy like that's what I'm trying to say like you know it wasn't easy and it was I don't know it was like a situation where like you know I had to effectively like you know majority of the time that I spent I spent growing up to be somebody that you know, I guess for a lack of a better way of putting it my family and my culture wanted wanted to be and You know
Which meant that I had very little to no time You know for the person that I wanted to be for the things that I wanted to do which is like, you know Being a rap artist, right? I never had time for that and it felt as though like because of that like I had lost out on time, on so much time. I would say 18 years of my life I've spent trying to be something that I didn't want to be. And it's, I wouldn't say that it's hard, but it's almost like, it's hard, it is actually hard. It's hard
for me to praise myself for still believing in myself and still kind of like carrying on, even though like at some point it felt like there was literally like no hope for redemption, no hope for me to kind of like, you know, no time for me to become the version of myself that I've always wanted to be.
And this kind of like thing takes me all the way back to like when I sat, you know, for the first time ever, like in, you know, in a prison. So knowing that I was gonna be gone for a while, I was gonna be away for a while. And even then, like, you know,
the first thing that I started doing was writing you know kind of like finishing a song that I wrote like that's literally the first instinctive thing that I done and you know I kept myself going that way so I'm like yeah um this is a bit crazy to think about it but it's true I think I'm happy that I've made that change you know from kind of like going from from somebody who would give up at the slightest chance you know run away from every homework assignment and everything
that was difficult to somebody who still kind of like pursued his dream even though kind of like you know even though like even even though he was kind of like not in the best of circumstances like you know you know facing time in prison and all of that sort of stuff like I'm just happy that I kept myself going
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