I can’t really say I’m in the happiest place as I’m writing this down, there are some places in my past I’m obviously too sensitive to completely get over and so when I do find myself taking a trip down memory lane, I sometimes find myself stuck in an emotional wreck.
I can’t even say I did this deliberately because I was only trying to clear through the notes that have cluttered my phone over the years and that’s where it all began: I was suddenly back in 2015 where I was trying so hard to become someone that I hoped would please everybody.
I found notes I wrote to God, plans I wrote to aid and fix my failing academics and things I at the time felt were profound enough for me to jot down for safe keeping.
Before I knew it tears were streaming down my eyes and I had to find a way to take the water works because I was at work and couldn’t really afford to take my mask off.
It’s taken me a while to figure out why this stuff made me so emotional but I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a reason why I am the way I am; there’s a reason why I seem to approach every aspect of life with this mentality that a gun’s about to go off and I need to sprint to the finish line as fast as I can before I get my a** beat. I just keep and running and never look back, punishing myself for every second I find myself slower than the target I set myself and the targets set by others.
This has ruined a lot of my moments where I should have been joyous for even making an effort in the first place, and the reason why sometimes, I don’t even celebrate my wins like I should do.
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