Okay Monday evening sat outside my favorite restaurant you know doing the usual working my side hustle and it's pretty dark I must admit it is pretty dark outside at the moment I must admit I'm in a pretty somber mood it's safe to say that I'm going through a lot at the moment I'm not really sure what direction to head in when it comes to this reflection.
All I can basically think about right now is that sensation and that feeling that is usually associated with sadness, disappointment, loneliness, despair maybe. I'm thinking about a line that was once kind of like, you know, phrased by one of my favorite female artists at the moment. And it's an expression that goes something along the lines of, you know, I don't want to be the one to doctor this, but if you can't feel pain, then you can't feel the opposite.
And the thing about kind of like April 2024 especially like being the month in which I turn 30 I am trying to find a healthy balance between the moments and the thoughts about being this old that made me very happy and the thoughts and feelings about being 30 years old that kind of like made me feel, you know, in the very opposite way. I guess in a way I'm still thankful for the fact that I am able to find meaning and purpose in all of this. I am able to kind of like use my suffering and use all of the things that I'm going through at the moment as a way of creating a reason for why I'm going through all of this.
The world that we have created for ourselves as human beings has continued to show me that it will not leave me alone or go easy on me just because I have my back turned or because I'm on the floor and I'm unable to get up in the moment. This is a struggle for survival. It's a struggle for perseverance. And it's a struggle for if my memory serves me correctly. It's a, it's a struggle for being able
to thrive in a world so wicked, and in a world so willing to use one's suffering as a means of creating another person's peace. At the moment I'm happy that I'm able to regulate this ocean of negative emotions as a way of and coming to that present moment, you know, that moment that allows me to find my smile the longer I choose to remain within it.
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