Sometimes

Sometimes life feels like I’m just waiting for the clock to run out on me. I get days where I find myself hurdling above all the different things that put me physically or emotionally under pressure, where most of the time I’m just looking at the clock to find out just how much longer I need to bare this suffering.

I remember there was this period were relief became the most common word in my mental vocabulary. There was a time I would use that word to connect myself with the state of mind that brought me the most amount of peace and joy. 

I expressed my mental challenges in this way, because I found that this was one of the very few ways in which I would be able to push past the moment in which I found my suffering felt eternal. I kept telling myself that surely this too shall pass.

The older I get the longer I continue to deal with the mind bending and meandering nature of the human mind. There was a time I no longer wished to be around because of the suffering I continued to bring around myself and others. For some reason till this day, people seem to believe this is a wrong way of thinking whenever I ask for their point of view. 

This kind of goes without saying, but I did consider many other options before this. Sadly, there are some things that are quite frankly very difficult to change.

There is the spirit that lives within me that somehow I’ve had to manage for a painful number of years. The same with mine has an unconscionable first, and a hunger with no end, and I fear that the only time I will ever feel its peace, is when my time on this earth comes to an end.